The Idiot’s Guide to Holiday Fun-Times

If you’ve been butt-chugging whiskey powder all night, or whatever alternate method of alcohol consumption you’ve resorted to because apparently drinking it with your mouth like a normally functioning human being is far too damn simple for you, please don’t drink and drive.

We might not have Uber in Newfoundland, but in case you haven’t noticed, there’s usually always a bunch of those yellow or orange vehicles floating around that, if you pay them, they’ll drive you around: like to the place you live, for example.

Also, designated drivers exist. While, on the surface, this may seem like a complex endeavour, further analysis can really help to shed some light on the situation. You see, what you do is select someone who can drive. Secondly, and perhaps most importantly, is you then designate said person to remain sober for the evening for the purpose of providing safe transportation (and to help you remember which FXR jacket is yours at the Konfusion coat check).

We know that we can’t stop you from doing other stupid things, like pretending you like scotch just to impress that girl whose dad likes scotch, or attempting to brag about doing Jager-bombs (they’re like beating up a child: even if you truly feel like it is justifiable, you’re still going to look like an ass). But what we can do is tell you that you’re a complete frigging idiot if you drink and drive and that you need to stop wasting everyone else’s oxygen. And we’re not alone in our quest. The RNC will be out in full force in their darling reflective jackets stopping vehicles all across the province in an attempt to weed out the sorry lot of mouth-breathers that seem to think driving drunk is an okay thing to do.

So, stay safe this holiday season, don’t be a dumbass, and we’ll see you next semester. Merry Christmahanakwanzika!

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